We crave intimate love and we fear it. We want it more than air yet when we experience greater depths we unconsciously panic, and drown. How can we get closer to the Love we need so much?
The whole point of intimate relationships is to teach us how to love. We are already Love-itself, but we’ve lost touch with our own deepest heart. Through engaging in love relationships we discover just how fearful of love we truly are. If we watch closely, we see ourselves closing against it, self-sabotaging, pushing it away, or grasping-on in a way that destroys it.
Why are we so fearful of the very love we all crave? Because we fear the painful emotions that come up when we see all the ways we are unloving, which is another way of saying all the ways we run away from love. It’s not that we fear we won’t be loved when a partner sees our shadowy side (we do at that), it’s that deeper down we fear how we feel when they look at us with judgement … or compassion. We fear our own feelings and associated body sensations, and mental stories (as in our thoughts … all of which are unprovable stories).
We fear the world of the inner. We don’t realise that by experiencing the world of the inner, fully, in each moment we will journey even deeper inside. And the innermost-inner is the Love that we are: knowing ourselves as love,
experiencing ourselves as blissfully in-love-with-all,
Which is why we get into love relationships – we believe that they are the place where we will experience the love we crave. They can be … if we journey all the way through our own inner, into the innermost temple of Love. Which has nothing to do with any particular love relationship, so don’t fear when one ends.
As we grow in love capacity (to love others, and to receive their love) we grow in consciousness. We are more conscious of what is already there (inside and outside); we are less blinded by projections and self-deception. We develop into a new incarnation of ourselves, one that is more transparent to the light of love – one which Love can be glimpsed through.
As we start to die to our old incarnation (like a caterpillar metamorphosing inside a cocoon), we start to be born into the new. Many of the people in our lives, including perhaps especially our closest relationships, will no longer resonate with us.
They knew us as the caterpillar we were. They may be shocked and frightened at the metamorphosis process and the half-formed butterfly. They know nothing of this, and they don’t want to know. It seems dangerous, it seems absurd, it seems wrong. It IS wrong by their current standards. AND one day it will be them – when they grow enough to reach this stage of development. Subconsciously they know this, and the caterpillar that they are now is terrified and self-protective against what it sees (understandably) as its’ death.
They are hardly likely to be supportive of the change process. They are likely to oppose it and you!
Let them oppose you. It’s all part of the process and will ultimately nourish your growth, especially if you surrender into it. See, it doesn’t matter what they think. What they are saying comes from an earlier perspective and is no longer relevant. Have compassion; they can’t see it differently than they do right now. They mean well, they are being as loving as they can be as caterpillars. And there is nothing wrong with being a beautiful caterpillar … you’ve been one too, and you needed to be.
This may happen gradually, sometimes imperceptibly. There may be long stretches (especially at the beginning of a change, when you’ve just entered the cocoon) where the outside world appears exactly the same. But micro-shifts are shifting. As long as you keep-with the transformative process unfolding, and don’t run away, the shifts will add up to bigger shifts.
Eventually your reality will have shifted in marked and remarkable ways.
One of the changes that could happen is that your intimates could lose attraction and/or respect for you. This could even be the magnetism-of-mutual-hate. The attraction becomes less and less when you are no longer engaging in endless drama (that is at core, about running away from love).
When you are present with what is, and have developed some capacity and staying-power, you will respond very differently to your loved ones’ attacks. You will get triggered less, and eventually, not get triggered at all. I’m not talking about those who suppress their emotions so that they don’t seem to feel attacks. That’s killing the heart. I’m talking about rebirthing the heart – those who mindfully feel all their emotions, in each moment, including ones that have been triggered from the past. This is true mastery of emotions … to not try to master them: to allow them with love.
Your loved one might start to grow in response to your growth (and be supported by it). They may enter into their own caterpillar-process. If so, you will stay together with growing periods of peace and joy. You will inform and help each other’s unfoldings. You will know more and more love together, and ultimately, know yourselves as Love (and become truly loving toward each other, and yourselves).
It is likely that your loved one might refuse growth when you grow, and be threatened by your growth. They may start to destroy your new shoots … this is not love. It’s fear. It’s running away from love. They may want to stay with you (for awhile) because of addiction-to-you, habit, to use you in some way, fear-of-the-unknown … but the relationship will gradually lose all magnetism (of the positive or negative kinds). You won’t want to stay together, eventually.
This might take a long time. If there are stop-start periods of growth on their side, it could take longer. If you yourself fear the unknown and are addicted to your intimate relationships (likely, especially at earlier stages) you could contribute toward staying together in misery. This is the kind of misery that cycles through repeat-conflicts, and acts hatefully toward the so-called love one, and the aching self.
I want you to know a realisation I’ve had from going through my own cycles of caterpillar-becoming. If a relationship is meant to end, it will, and that’s perfect. Your conditioning might fear endings or push for them (either way, it’s out of the same motivation of wanting to avoid feeling what comes up inside). It might take awhile before you are able to end a relationship you know-deepest-down needs to end. It might take awhile before your non-growing partner/s are able to breakup with you (depending much on their conditioning).
But it will end so there is no point resisting (and at the same time, it will end as soon as you are able, and this is perfect). The end is written in the stars, as it were. The end is written in your eyes if you gaze deeply into the mirror and look for your heart’s truth. Look and see if this is you or not.
When you allow it to end tremendous energy will be freed up for the caterpillar-to-butterfly process. It will expand. Whatever is next … because the butterfly ultimately doesn’t stay a butterfly … will unfold with increasing rapidity and ease (increasing with each cycle of change that is surrendered to).
The world around you will change. It may take awhile, but a new world will come into being. You will be drawn to new more-loving people for love relating, and you will be far more loving in general, toward all people. The people who are drawn to you will be more-butterfly, and less-caterpillar. This wasn’t possible before you changed inside. The inner precedes the outer.
You attract more love in your relating because you ARE more loving. And you became more loving because of the pain, heartbreak, confusion, and stuckness of your old relationships. Because of the stubbornness and foibles of your exes. Not to mention yours!
I often think of my exes with such gratitude, seeing now that they have done so much to help me learn to love. I couldn’t be here, body-sensing my own lovability, if it wasn’t for them and the painful combinations of us.
I only experienced more-love because of learning each of Love’s lessons, willingly. When I allowed Love to teach me, it schooled me good. It always gave me (and continues to give me) exactly what I need for growth-in-Love.
It does the same for you, so develop trust, my love, step-by-step as you can (on your own unique journey). As you come into trusting relationship with Life/Love, and surrender to it as it is in each moment, experiencing it fully, your life starts to flow. When you stop resisting you start to perceive the flow of love-inside.
You start by surrendering to a fundamental truth of love relationships, like it or not: Love is for Lessons. This is the beginning of love – when you put down your arrogance and become an open-hearted learner.
Love is for lessons. So learn, my love.